I Now Pronounce You an AP English Student

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today, in the sight of our guidance counselors, to witness and celebrate the union of this future AP English student to one of the most difficult courses in Chagrin Falls High School. Do not enter into this union lightly or unadvisedly but after much consideration, because by enrolling in this class, you commit yourself exclusively to the study of english until the end of your senior year. If you would, please turn to your counselor and take your vows*:

Do you, nervous sophomore, promise to complete all of your summer reading on time?

Do you also promise to finish all three of your books the day before school starts? We know you will not read over the summer.

Do you promise to remember where you sit in the circle to avoid class-wide chaos?

Will you always carry ten extra pens with you in case of an emergency?

Do you promise to always annotate your reading?

Will you ALWAYS answer the prompt?

Will you learn to do your homework on time?

Will you always dress appropriately for class? (A snow suit will suffice)

Do you promise to talk in class, even if you have no idea what to say?

Will you remember that Ms. Serensky does know what is best?

And finally, Do you promise to recognize the value of this class before you leave high school?

After answering “I Do” to all of these vows, the guidance counselors have decided that this union has hope to flourish. Yes, as all companions do, you will experience ups and downs alike, however we must learn to deal with these in effective and concise manners. AP English will prove a challenge to deal with on many days in your years together but what is success without the threat of failure? The best duos often come from those who have worked and struggled to achieve that happiness that they hold. So, ladies and gentlemen, after acknowledging these conditions, I am pleased to announce the union of a new AP English student to their life for the next two years.
You may now take out your pen. Till death do you part. 
*The student must recognize these “vows” as instructions on how to survive AP English. Good Luck.